How to Navigate a Relationship with a Parent Who Isn’t Accepting of Your Identity
Disclaimer: Abuse is Never Tolerated
Before we dive into the strategies for navigating a relationship with a non-accepting parent, it’s important to note that if your parent’s behavior crosses into emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, none of the advice here applies. Abuse should never be tolerated, no matter who it comes from. Your safety—both physically and emotionally—comes first. If you’re in an abusive situation, seeking help from a professional, trusted friend, or support organization is essential. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and no relationship is worth sacrificing your well-being.
1. Recognize that the Problem Isn’t You, It’s Them
Repeat after me: It’s not you, it’s them. Seriously. One of the first things Gibson points out in her book is that emotionally immature parents are often wrapped up in their own world of needs, opinions, and, let’s face it, ancient views of the world. If your parent is not accepting of your identity, there’s a good chance they’re operating from their own emotional limitations.
Gibson writes,
“Emotionally immature parents are preoccupied with their own emotional needs and tend to react to their children’s experiences based on how it impacts them personally.”
Translation? Your identity challenges their sense of comfort, and they don’t know how to deal. In other words, you being you is somehow their problem, not yours. Take that in. It’s not that you’re too much—it’s that they can’t handle it. No need to shrink yourself to fit their outdated mold.
2. Set Boundaries (Yes, Even with Your Parents)
We all love a good boundary, right? Well, even if your parents didn’t get the memo that boundaries are healthy, it’s time for you to start. Boundaries are like emotional bubble wrap—you need them to protect yourself when someone’s poking at your soft spots. In this case, your parent might be poking with disapproving looks, passive-aggressive comments, or flat-out rejection.
In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Gibson emphasizes the power of boundaries:
“Setting boundaries with emotionally immature people is one of the most important ways to preserve your emotional energy.”
You don’t have to answer every probing question or sit through lectures about how you’re “just going through a phase.” (No, Mom, I’m not going to suddenly change my identity like I change my socks.) Instead, limit how much you share, when you engage, and what topics are up for discussion. It’s like a choose-your-own-adventure book—except you’re choosing your sanity.
3. Practice Some Humor—Because Laughing Beats Crying
Let’s face it, sometimes humor is your best weapon in an awkward or frustrating situation. Sure, you might want to scream into a pillow when your parent says something that completely misses the mark, but why not laugh about it later with a supportive friend?
Here’s an example:
Parent: “Why can’t you just be normal?”
You (internally): Define ‘normal.’
Adding a bit of humor can lighten your load, even if your parent isn’t capable of seeing the absurdity. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll look back at some of these moments and chuckle (preferably from a distance…a nice, healthy emotional distance).
4. Grieve the Parent You Wished You Had
This one’s a bit heavy, but it’s important. Part of the pain in dealing with a parent who doesn’t accept your identity is realizing that you’re not going to get the loving, open-minded parent you always hoped for. Gibson writes about this with a level of empathy that hits hard,
“It’s painful to accept that your parent may never be the nurturing, understanding figure you need them to be.”
But grieving this loss is essential. You’re allowed to feel sad, disappointed, even angry that your parent can’t meet you where you are. But in grieving, you also free yourself from the exhausting task of seeking their approval. Once you realize you don’t need them to validate you, you can start living for yourself (cue: fireworks and Beyoncé music).
5. Find Your Tribe—They’re Out There
Okay, so your parent may not be giving you the support you need, but that doesn’t mean you’re on your own. It’s time to build a tribe of people who see you, love you, and cheer you on. Whether it’s friends, chosen family, or a community that understands your journey, having supportive people around you makes all the difference.
To quote a slightly different but still relevant source: "You can’t choose your family, but you can choose the people you spend your time with." Surround yourself with people who embrace your identity, because trust me, that kind of love is worth way more than any grudging parental acceptance.
6. Release the Need to Change Them
Remember, you’re not here to fix or change your parent. If they’re emotionally immature, they may be stuck in their ways, as Gibson points out:
“Emotionally immature people are resistant to change and often lack insight into their own limitations.”
So, you don’t need to spend your life trying to get them to “understand” you. It’s like trying to teach a fish how to ride a bicycle—it’s not gonna happen, and it’ll just leave you exhausted and confused.
7. Detach with Love
If you want to keep your parent in your life (and this is totally up to you), practicing emotional detachment is key. Detachment doesn’t mean cutting them off completely (unless that’s what’s healthiest for you). It means not letting their rejection or disapproval dictate your emotions or sense of self.
Think of it this way: you’re building a shield around yourself—an emotional force field. You can still talk to your parent, spend time with them, and even care about them. But their opinions and criticisms? They bounce right off your shield.
Final Thoughts: You Do You
At the end of the day, navigating a relationship with a parent who doesn’t accept your identity is tough—but it’s also a chance to grow in self-love, resilience, and maybe even a sense of humor. Whether you decide to set boundaries, limit contact, or release the need for their approval altogether, remember this: your identity is valid, and you deserve love and respect, whether it comes from them or not.
